Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A Calling

I don't know if I have mentioned that I am the primary chorister in our branch. (For those of you who do not belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints this means that I teach the young children from 3-12 how to sing songs during church time.) I would check my posts but that would take too long and I'm not sure if I care that it has been mentioned before. It isn't a calling I ever imagined having. It is a calling I was sure I would turn down if I was asked to do it. It is a calling that has caused me to cry in front of my entire branch no less that 3 times. It is also a calling that I was starting to love. I enjoy playing games with the kids and try not to mind that one of the older girls was better at keeping the beat than me. I enjoyed the hugs whenever I walked on campus at the elementary school and the things the kids share when they know you.

I am a teacher at heart. I love to get in a room full of children and teach them something. I like to say things like, "all eyes on me," "please pay attention," and "you guys are so smart." It is enticing to me to find creative and new ways to teach things. I enjoy watching children learn. I like to feel the accomplishment that comes with a classroom of kids who can all pass the test.

I like being a teacher but I am not a singer. The last time I successfully sang in front of anyone I was four years old. Then my voice was sweet and cute. I was probably the only small child who would sing in front of people. I would never do that today. I can't carry a tune and can't keep the beat. I can only clap to the tune if there is someone else to follow. I can read music but I can't figure out what notes I would need to sing when I reading music.

None the less I was issued a "call" to teach the primary music about 14 months ago. I laughed. And then I laughed some more. And I thought that they must be joking. And they weren't. Because I had laughed so much and was a little embarrassed I figured I should say, "yes." I knew they would release me soon enough. But it hasn't happened yet. I have not been released.

Last Sunday was an especially trying day. I would be fine if it were just me and a room full of children but the other teachers and leaders intimidate me. Without meaning to (I sure hope it was without meaning to as this is a volunteer position that I don't get paid for,) another woman made me feel completely inadequate and useless as a primary chorister.

I decided that I had it. I was done. I walked upstairs nearly in tears and went straight the branch presidents office. I asked him to release me. I cried and told him why I was inadequate and questioned why I would be given this calling. I begged and pleaded. He didn't release me. The wise man (he has become since he accepted a calling I am sure he never wanted,) told me that he felt for me, he understood my reasoning but he felt differently. He told me that when I was called he had felt strongly that the calling was from God and that my time was not done yet. And then he told me he would think and pray about it. In his presence I was okay with that because at least I could know that in one way I am doing exactly what God wants me to do- even if I am not very good at that job. I guess that is what I wanted to say. I am willing to do whatever it is that God wants me to do even if I know there are a hundred other people who can do a better job at it.

(As a side note The Branch President did find a solution without releasing me and I know that everything will work out better with what he has decided.)


Shar said...

Oh, Melissa! I am so terrified to get that calling! I shouldn't even put it in words. My reason is the exact reason you have a hard time - I can handle the kids, but I would be so intimidated by the other adults in the room! You're strong and I hope things get better with this new decision. here's a big hug!