Friday, September 19, 2008


Over the course of the past few weeks, a contingency of invaders with growing numbers has been vandalizing our home. At first, I figured the perpetrators would get their kicks and move on to the next house. However, time has proven otherwise. The vandals have increased the both the frequency and the intensity of their vandalism, which is likely to cause leakage during rain, will require replacement of exterior features, and will certainly require new paint. I thought about calling the authorities regarding this issue, but have decided instead to take matters into my own hands.

So today was the day. I purchased a gun. I figured the only way to protect my residence, and perhaps my family, was to squash the problem out completely. I know I don't have to aim to kill, but at the point that we are all loosing sleep due to this problem, some extreme measures had to be taken. I humbly report that I downed 2 out of 9 vandals, also hitting 4 more of the nine. Success is evident in the no-show of vandals this evening, when all previous evenings for the past several days yielded, at times, up to 4 agressors at a time vandalizing the outside of our home.

I guess we will all sleep a little better tonight, knowing that the likelihood of the problem continuing is greatly decreased. Given the single-day success of my counter-measures, I truly hope my house will not be looked at as a venue for vandalism. However, should that not be the case, an additional round of counter-measures may entirely decimate any remaining vandals, and leave us entirely to our peace. I hope my message is heard loud and clear that I will not tolerate even threats on my place of residence, or on my family, in general. Anyone willing to test this new policy will likely end up buried next to the two woodpeckers I buried earlier today. I hope it doesn't come to that.

(By the way, it was just a BB gun, and I store safely far away from the children, and it has a lock, and a key for an additional lock. And yes, I did shoot down two woodpeckers that have made the trim on this house to look like cottage cheese. Given their abundant numbers, and the hundreds of dollars of damage they have done, I felt a "population reduction" was in order. Some other species of birds around did notice, and, since I don't like killing things too much, they did make me feel bad as I buried the woodpeckers while they watched curiously and then flew away from the epicenter of death.)



Stacey and Tony said...

I figured it was the woodpeckers. Cameron, this sounds like one of my Dad's stories. He to likes to tell tales like that. Good luck with the birds. next time you come here, you'll have to get some of the pigeons around the house. Many of the neighbors have pellet guns or BB guns, but still they poop all over the houses. Not a pretty sight!

Mama Bean said...

THAT is so dang funny. I probably would have shot them too. WAY TO GO!!